Tight Belt of the Bible squashes PhD Student

Okay, some of you whom I love dearly are a bit more religious than I, so if you think you might be offended after reading this email, you'd better either delete it right now or just remember that I am a very spiritual person...I just haven't found the "right church" yet...or something like that.

To begin, let me say that I am now listening to my i-pod in the coffee shop where I originally came to read for my qualitative research class tonight. It's a few hundred pages, but I'll get there, I'm sure of it...I'm listening to my i-pod now because there are two very sweet, young ladies sitting across the room praying. Out loud. And they're still praying as I'm sitting here typing this with frustration. It's been like fifteen freakin' minutes. What else can they say to God? He listens all day long; do they have to talk out loud at the table, too? I wonder if He sits up there and laughs at them when they're doing that, whispering, "You know, I can hear you when you think, sneeze, whisper, shout or talk out loud. No need to annoy Hilary while she's trying to study."

As I walked to my car (with a scowl on my face showing them how annoyed I was...but they couldn't see me, of course because they had their eyes shut, heads bowed and hands together on the table), I remembered my run the other day in a new neighborhood and my new observation of the fish. My goodness gracious there were so many fish. Fish. You know the ones. The symbols that some of us put on the backs of our automobiles so everyone behind us will know we support the son of God? Yes, those fish. And here in Athens, Georgia, they even have the fish with the word Jesus in the middle...in case sadists like me forget the metaphoric connection that accompanies the little water inhabitant.

I would say--and I'm not exaggerating here, people--that every 9 out of 10 cars have the fish in Athens. What's wrong with that, you ask? Hilary, why don't you let other people believe what they want to believe and mind your own business? Yes, that would work here in the BIBLE BELT if there weren't five churches to every single person in this town. I mean, seriously, when I was running the other day, just from the END of one block to the other, I counted FIVE churches...on ONE BLOCK. Okay, that's an exaggeration. There were really four--one, I guess, was bought out by a bank, because I saw an American Bank sign on the front of a church building--tall pointy thing on top of the building and all. :)

We have it all here in Athens, Georgia, folks, so step right up. You can be a Baptist (if you're not, we're fine with that, but you know you're going straight to Hell, right?); a Methodist (kind of the same, but a bit more mild on the Hell part); Presbyterian ( I have no idea--they're just everywhere); Church of Christ; Church of God; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (what?); Episcopal (not many here; they were all run out by the Baptists); the Reformed Episcopal Church (they beat up the local Baptists so they could stay); the United Church of Christ (which is different from Church of Christ...I guess because they are more...United?); and of course you could be a Catholic (don't even get me started with the rehab/therapy those people are going to need).

Now, those are just a few of the churches I've seen around town. Oh, but wait, there's more. More, you ask? How could there possibly be more in such a small town of only 100, 000 people? Excluding the African-American versions of all of these churches (because white people and black people decided they'd worship separately here some time ago, and my friend from New York tells me she's tried five different African American churches and they all just scream and holler and sing about LOVIN' the Lord! Then they get up and dance and stuff...she's NOT pleased, being from New York, with the Southern style of worship), and the Jewish and Muslim services that are advertised on signs, there are the "others" whom I've just met a few of in my classes these past weeks. They are called Fundamentalists. Let me start a new paragraph for this one...

Some students in my qualitative research class read a book about a fundamentalist private school that a researcher did a study in many years ago. As this woman was "book talking" the book to our group, she kept saying, "And, well, they didn't want the researcher in the school b/c, you know, it was fundamentalist....and the school ran like, well, you all get it... it was fundamentalist." Finally, I had to do it.
"I don't know what you're talking about. You keep saying we know, but I don't know. What are you talking about?" Mind you, I didn't say, "You are a miserable human being; your children were born of Satin, and your husband is really a woman with three heads." BUT, you would have thought I said that. She then, looking at me like I just stomped on her toe, very slowly and calmly (because I am now seen as lower and stupid, I imagine?) explained to me that fundamentalists, well in HER church, read the Bible literally. "We take every word of God to be literal," She so proudly stated.
"Every word?" I asked in astonishment.with they eyes of a three-year-old who's just seen the largest chocolate chip cookie ever made.......
....we moved on to the next book....

This morning when I was visiting two of my student teachers in a 6th grade class, I noticed a 6th grader's t-shirt. I'm not sure if the student was a male or female, but that's beside the point. The shirt was one of those explanations of something in three boxes with stick figures. You know, like the See Jane. See Jane fall. See Jane whatever in the hell Jane does...
Well, this shirt said: See Jesus Saved the World! and in box 1 it had Jesus doing something...I can't remember...maybe standing there drinking red wine and hitting on women or something...anyway, box 2 had a stick figure hung on a cross and box 3 had a stick figure coming out from behind a rock with stars and sun beams surrounding it.

I thought, well, well, well, they've finally made a shirt where the man is coming out! (Just kidding, Manny...I know Jesus wasn't gay...well, I don't know that for sure, I've heard some speculation....)

I guess my long-winded point is that this place is a bit more religious than I'm used to. I think I knew five people in my ten years in CO who went to church. I know that's an under-exaggeration, but it makes a better story for you heathens out there in the mountains. I have moved back to the Bible Belt and my thoughts are getting a little muddled with this freakin' belt strapped so tightly around my vision.

Oh, oh, and the billboards. The MASSIVE billboards around town that say things like,
DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE---GOD or
WHAT PART OF THOU SHALT NOT DON'T YOU GET? or
PLEASE USE SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME IN VEIN (something like that) those are pretty good, I have to admit. They make me laugh out loud. (Isn't that what they're supposed to do?)

And I have received the cutest little emails from my student-teachers saying things like, "We're so blessed to have you as a supervisor," or "See you this week. Blessings, so-and-so."
I tell you what, I'm getting so many blessings around here from my sneezes to my emails that I'm set for another few years before I have to go to church.

I'm off t read this weird case study about mentally ill men who do something... (nice cliff hanger, huh?)

Love to all, HEH